So my ex-husband has been in town since last Wednesday, staying at my house because I needed a sitter for our son. Things have been going so well. He's an amazing father, great with Aidan, and very helpful. I've enjoyed the time he has spent here. So on that note, I'm happy.

And yet at the same time I'm sad. I'm sad because I honestly can't help myself from missing a lot of things we had together as a couple, and wishing that things had turned out differently so that we could all be together as a family. I understand that Seth and I probably would not have worked out as a couple the way we were going, but I still can't help but wish that things were a little different. There's no doubt that I've enjoyed having the help around here with Aidan, and Seth and I have been getting along great. I also can't help miss his touch, his sincere feelings for me. He's a very passionate man in every way, and that can often be felt by any woman who's with him.

But of course this could be me just wanting to have someone in general, and nothing more than hormones controlling my emotions.

I think that it is possible that we could someday get back together again, but if we do it won't be for a very long time. And I'm certainly not getting my hopes up about it.

But we shall see. And in the meantime I will have to continue being happy with the way things are.

A Family Affair......

No, I'm not referring to a great happy family affair where everyone gets together and has a great time with each other, for the holidays or otherwise. I'm referring to genetic predispositions to certain conditions that I've inherited and developed.

First there's the high blood pressure. Granted, my weight and diet doesn't necessarily help, but it runs in my mom's family, and most of them aren't overweight, and eat really healthy diets. So obviously it's a genetic screw-over whether I ate right or not. But my bp is now controlled well with meds, so that's a plus.

Then there's the alcoholism on my dad's side. I am not an alcoholic myself, but my dad has finally reached that level by not only drinking in the middle of the day, but then proceeding to pick my son up from day care.

"Wow, wait....did she just say her dad drove drunk with her son in the car?"

Yup. My 8 month old son. Not to mention the fact that my son's car seat was not properly locked into the base, and was basically just loosely sitting there.

.........

Yeah. Great, isn't it?

Then remember my last post about being pissed at my boyfriend? Well he's at it again. So many things that I don't really want to get into. But I'm worried about him.

And because of all this my depression has come to a head. My panic disorder is has also come to a head, and it's not like I have the sweats and racing heart, but my mind just randomly starts racing and on the inside I'm just completely freaking out about one thing or another. It happens frequently when I forget to do something.....I start thinking about it and then I completely unnecessarily freak out about the fact that I forgot it, and it all happens before I know it. It's like, one minute I'm remembering what I forgot to do, and then the next minute my mind is screaming at me that this is a very very very very bad thing and that it's not ok......even if all I forgot was to shut off a light before I left the house.

And other times, when I'm not freaking out I'm sad. I'm just plain down. And I have no energy or motivation to do anything but lay on the couch and watch tv. Sure, everyone has those times, but I have them all the time.

Then there's times where I just have so much random energy that I'm fucking bouncing off the walls, or times where I just get so freaking irritated at people that I can't stand to be around anyone.

I'm usually at one extreme or another.

And I hate it.

I've been dealing with the diagnosis of depression since I was 13. A panic disorder and possible bipolar disease a little over a year. No one has medically treated me until now. I saw my doctor earlier tonight and she told me that someone really should've treated me before now, especially cuz untreated mental disorders can leave permanent damage in the brain. So now I have a prescription for Prozac, and a referral for a therapist.

Let's hope it works.

Dude, wait.......what?

So I've brought along good old Johnny Depp on tonight's rant. I know, I know, hot isn't he? I mean, YUMMY! You just don't get more delicious than Mr. Depp, and hence why I wanted to bring him to help me illustrate my point here.

So if you couldn't tell by the title, my subject matter tonight is confusion.

As a Gemini, I get confused often. My most recent batch of confusion came from my boss, and the owner of the store I work at. We will call her....Mrs. Carol Egomaniac.

Now, real quick before I start my story, I work at a store that carries nothing but dog and cat breed items....things like christmas ornaments, purses and wallets, t-shirts, coffee mugs, etc.

So that night it's my manager and I on the floor, and there's some work that needs to be done for an order that's coming in the next morning. Mind you this work HAS to be done that night, before the shipment comes in or we're in deep shit. So I'm busting my butt to try and get it done. Two sets of customers come in. I immediately drop what I was doing(like Carol has told me to do in the past), and I head over to ask one couple if I can help them find a certain breed while my manager goes to help the other couple. The couple I'm helping politely declines my offer, so I let them know that if they have any questions or need help finding their breed in something to just let me know. And then I go back to preparing for the shipment.

Then....

*pause for effect*

.....who else should come downstairs but Mrs. Egomaniac herself. She just happened to run into the couple I had already helped, and they just happened to respond to her question with "Yes, we're looking for a liver springer spaniel."

.........

Really?
Seriously?
FUCKING Seriously?
Yup.

So what does Carol do? Well, she hadn't showered(her and her husband stay in an apartment above the store when they come into town), because this was her "day off." And, of course, despite the fact that she had assumed I wasn't doing my job properly and had to go and ask them if they needed help, she was too busy to actually help them. So Carol pokes her head around the corner to look at me.

*Most snotty tone possible*
"Excuse me, we're looking for red springer spaniels here..."

Mistake #1. Don't ever take an unnecessary snotty tone with me.

So I walk over there to help the customers, and this comes out of her mouth next:

*Extremely demeaning tone*
"We're looking for the liver. That's the RED one."

Mistake #2. Don't ever treat me like a retard.

Really? I mean, come on woman! Use some common sense! How would you feel if I had talked to you in front of customers like that? Not only did the customers get uncomfortable, but they now assume that I'm an idiot who doesn't know what I'm doing, all because you got pissed at what you thought was me not doing my job, and took it upon yourself to ask them what I had already asked them, even when you didn't have time to help them! So then you go ahead and treat me like I'm nothing more than a dumbass who doesn't do my job and doesn't know two shits about it anyway!

So later on she comes downstairs with her dog, and she's playing around, looking at me to see if I'm paying attention. I give her a blank look and go back to my work. She knows I'm pissed at her. My manager said that her coming downstairs and being sociable was her way of apologizing without actually saying it.

But here's where the confusion comes into play....

Tonight, as I was leaving work, Carol stops me and says:

"I just wanted to let you know that I was listening to you with the customers the whole time, and you do an amazing job with them. And (the manager) tells me that you are the best sales person we have, right next to one other person. So I just wanted to tell you that and that you're doing a great job."

Dude, wait......what?

At that point I was so shocked that I didn't know what to say and just ended up smiling and chuckling a little. Eventually I got over the initial shock and was able to converse with her but it just blew my mind, especially because I still had a very low opinion of her when I walked into work tonight, and I was still sore over the way she had treated me. Now I'm not sure how I feel about her.....

*holds head*
Oooowwww, I think it's gonna explode......



Hugs,

JoJo

"When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane."

Well, I'm finally doing it

Yup, that's right. I've jumped on the quit smoking bandwagon. I have officially been without a cigarette for over 48 hours. I am grumpy, pissy, and I want to break something, but DAMN I feel good about myself.

But there's just one problem.

*Looks around*

I'm trying to lose weight at the same time.

*Collective gasp*

Yeah, I know I know. Don't ever try to quit smoking and lose weight at the same time. That's just the stuff of epic failure. Failtacular, even.

I really do need to lose weight though. And I really should work more on not using excuses like "oh, well I just quit smoking and it's too hard to do both at the same time." Well while that is a valid excuse, because it is really hard, there's such a thing as willpower that we all have within us.

I just really have a little less than the average person.

So what's my plan then? How can I possibly defeat the foe called addiction within me? Easy! I came up with a masterplan. I'm going to clean out my kitchen and cupboards of all the junk food, anything full of fat or sodium or too many carbs, and donate it to the local food bank. I will then go shopping for some good foods. Fruits, veggies, healthy snacks, and basically nothing that will actually add to my waste line. Will it work? Will I stick to this "lifestyle change"? I plan on it. I hope so.

*Cheering from the crowd*

But even if it takes me a lot longer to kick the bad eating habits, or even if I fail at it completely, at least I can be proud that I kicked the smoking habit. And I feel really good about it.....despite wanting a cigarette horribly right now. *Frown*

Wish me luck!

So Irritating!

I just want to strangle him!

Who, you might ask? My boyfriend, Adam. First off, just so you know what I'm rambling about, adam lost his job about 6 weeks ago. He's been doing a great job of looking for a new one since then, and is really close to nailing a new job at Family Video. However, he has not had any money since his last paycheck and I just found out that he has literally ran out of food.

Yes, food.

Me working only two days per week I don't have any money to help him out. So what do I do?

I STRESS OUT.

I love him to pieces, but I'm SO pissed at him that I just wanna hit something! I told him several times now over the past few weeks that he can go down to DHS and apply for food stamps. Obviously, he hasn't done so. He's using excuses like "Well I thought I needed a job to get that kind of help" and "I don't have a way down there."

That's right ladies and gentleman, he has no car.

However, he has landlords that have almost become his second parents, and would be more than happy to let him borrow a vehicle for a few hours. Did he think to ask them? Of course not. He says that they are already being put in a tough spot because he can't pay his rent and their letting him stay there anyways.

Bullshit!

If he was imposing upon them SO much then they would've kicked him out, don't you think? He's just making up excuses because he hates asking for help. But I'm sorry, if you have no food to eat you will get sick! I will NOT have him getting sick from malnutrition just because he wants to be stubborn!

I AM SO FUCKING PISSED!!!!!!!

And at the same time I'm just so worried about him.

I know I won't sleep well tonight......

Why am I so pissed? Because I love him. Here's a better question.....

Why do I always fall in love with the ones who have issues like this that make me worried?

UGH!!!!

Is It Wrong?

"Whenever you are reluctant to change, think of the beauty of Autumn."

Ok, so here's a little background on me to open up this post with.

I have suffered from chronic clinical depression ever since the age of 13. For the most part I'm a laid-back, happy gal, usually perky and hard to get down. But I have my not-so-unusual moments where I am just so far down that I can't get back up again for a while. And yes, I know everyone has their good and bad days, but I have them more frequently than others. It's usually not severe enough to require medication, though there have been a couple of times in my life where I was suicidal.

Tonight I'm having a moment. Actually it's been more like the past couple of days. When I get depressed, I start thinking....a lot. Mostly about my past relationships with men. The serious ones. I start to brood on the way they ended, and the really big blowouts that occurred in the relationships. That's what I do when I get down....I embrace my depression, feed it, stir around the thoughts in my head. It's probably not a healthy thing, but I've rarely had moments when I couldn't pull myself back out after a little while.

I keep thinking of my ex Mike. It doesn't help that I ran into his mother at the store today. I always seem to have the worst luck in men(until recently) but I have great relationships with their mothers, and continue to do so even after I leave the asshole(or he leaves me, as was the case with the last one, Seth.) So I ran into Mike's mother. She was telling me about her other son, Shawn, and how he was doing(which wasn't so hot) and then she told me she hadn't heard from Stupid(Mike). We got to talking, and being prompted to give her the truth I told her that the last Mike had told me, his family was dead to him, which is a long story for another time. She started crying, and immediately I felt like I had made a mistake. I didn't mean to make her cry, and I felt so bad but thinking back on it I believe now she can move on with her life and stop holding onto the hope that he'll come back and be the good son he once was.

See, Mike was my longest relationship to date. 5 1/2 years to be exact. We had met at Arby's when I was 16 and he was 19. We had gotten hired there at the same time, and the stars were aligned just right because it was love at first sight. After about 2 years it was obvious to everyone but me that he wasn't the best guy in the world for me. He never physically abused me, but after getting out of the relationship I was able to see that he had mentally abused me. And used me. He had brought my self-esteem so low and put some really good blinders on me so that I couldn't really see how he was treating me at times. His anger would get out of control so often....and to the point where he would have to punch the wall or the floor just to avoid hitting me. There was one point where he raised his fist to me but never went through with hitting me.

And did I end it there?

Of course not.

It took him sleeping with his ex of a whore Laura, then moving to Wisconsin with her, and then me moving to Colorado for a job to realize that it wasn't going to work anymore.

5 1/2 years.

Wow....that's a big chunk of my life. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret having been with him, funny as that may sound. It's taught me a lot, and I've learned from my mistakes. But I have a lot of history with him. Late nights smoking pot, drinking, playing video games, late-night runs to Wal-mart just for shits and giggles, lazy afternoons laying in bed in each others arms, him running his hand through my hair and whispering "I love you."

And so we get to the title of this post....

Is it wrong that I still think of him? Is it wrong that I miss the good times? And most importantly, is it wrong that when I'm depressed my mind wants to live in the past when I have a wonderful man in my life now?

Adam is my current love. About 3 months or so ago I met him, and he's wonderful. He is so different from the last two, which makes me think this one might stick. He is amazing with my son(Seth is the biological father, and he's another story for another time), so laid-back and worry-free. He treats me very well, boosts my self-esteem on a regular basis, is a Gemini like me, is the first man I've dated that doesn't wear glasses and he is right-handed, also a first.

But when I get like this I start to feel even worse because I'm not sure if I'm doing something wrong by dwelling on the past when I have such a wonderful present and a very bright-looking future.

I love what my life is right now. I'm a single mother living with my parents, sure, but I'm a single mother of a beautiful, healthy, happy boy. I'm only working part-time, but I'm working at a place that I love(another first!). And in couple weeks I'm starting school, getting some career training so that next summer when I finish I will be able to get a great job that will pay enough to get my son and I our own place, and support the two of us while I go back to school to do what I really want, photography and psychology.

So my life right now is looking up, despite my hardships in the past.

So why can't I be happy all the time? Why can't I stop thinking about the past when I'm depressed, sometimes missing it and other times just brooding on it?

And is it wrong?

For the most part I'm happy with my life. I don't get like this as often as I used to. Then again, who has the time to be depressed when you have a little one to take care of?

I don't know, these are just random thoughts that are pouring out of my mind as I type.

But I do feel better now that I've gotten them out.

And one last thing....

Mike,

I miss you
I hate you
and I couldn't care less about you all at the same time.

Goodnight bittersweet memories.

Opening

Welcome one and all to the random chaos inside my mind. For the duration of your stay, you will be a witness to some of the most random thoughts you've ever seen come out of someone's mind, and most of it may not make sense. Other things will make perfect sense, and still others will scare the living shit out of you. This is mostly for my own sanity, typing out my thoughts, feelings, etc. so that my head doesn't explode. No one I know is willing to clean up that type of mess, so instead I will put it all out here. However even though I'm doing this for me, I realize that putting it on the web the entire world will have access to it and will be able to read it. So therefore I will clarify certain points more than I would in, say, a written journal.

At some point some people I know personally may stumble across this accidentally. If that is the case, stick around and feel free to read my blog on a daily basis. There is sure to be something typed in here eventually about you that I've wanted to say to you for a long time, that needs to be said to your face, but I just never had the opportunity.

Lacking the time right now, I will return with a post that gives you some background on me. General information only, just to shed a little light for you on my personality. As if this opening hasn't already done that for you.

Out for now.