Is It Wrong?

"Whenever you are reluctant to change, think of the beauty of Autumn."

Ok, so here's a little background on me to open up this post with.

I have suffered from chronic clinical depression ever since the age of 13. For the most part I'm a laid-back, happy gal, usually perky and hard to get down. But I have my not-so-unusual moments where I am just so far down that I can't get back up again for a while. And yes, I know everyone has their good and bad days, but I have them more frequently than others. It's usually not severe enough to require medication, though there have been a couple of times in my life where I was suicidal.

Tonight I'm having a moment. Actually it's been more like the past couple of days. When I get depressed, I start thinking....a lot. Mostly about my past relationships with men. The serious ones. I start to brood on the way they ended, and the really big blowouts that occurred in the relationships. That's what I do when I get down....I embrace my depression, feed it, stir around the thoughts in my head. It's probably not a healthy thing, but I've rarely had moments when I couldn't pull myself back out after a little while.

I keep thinking of my ex Mike. It doesn't help that I ran into his mother at the store today. I always seem to have the worst luck in men(until recently) but I have great relationships with their mothers, and continue to do so even after I leave the asshole(or he leaves me, as was the case with the last one, Seth.) So I ran into Mike's mother. She was telling me about her other son, Shawn, and how he was doing(which wasn't so hot) and then she told me she hadn't heard from Stupid(Mike). We got to talking, and being prompted to give her the truth I told her that the last Mike had told me, his family was dead to him, which is a long story for another time. She started crying, and immediately I felt like I had made a mistake. I didn't mean to make her cry, and I felt so bad but thinking back on it I believe now she can move on with her life and stop holding onto the hope that he'll come back and be the good son he once was.

See, Mike was my longest relationship to date. 5 1/2 years to be exact. We had met at Arby's when I was 16 and he was 19. We had gotten hired there at the same time, and the stars were aligned just right because it was love at first sight. After about 2 years it was obvious to everyone but me that he wasn't the best guy in the world for me. He never physically abused me, but after getting out of the relationship I was able to see that he had mentally abused me. And used me. He had brought my self-esteem so low and put some really good blinders on me so that I couldn't really see how he was treating me at times. His anger would get out of control so often....and to the point where he would have to punch the wall or the floor just to avoid hitting me. There was one point where he raised his fist to me but never went through with hitting me.

And did I end it there?

Of course not.

It took him sleeping with his ex of a whore Laura, then moving to Wisconsin with her, and then me moving to Colorado for a job to realize that it wasn't going to work anymore.

5 1/2 years.

Wow....that's a big chunk of my life. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret having been with him, funny as that may sound. It's taught me a lot, and I've learned from my mistakes. But I have a lot of history with him. Late nights smoking pot, drinking, playing video games, late-night runs to Wal-mart just for shits and giggles, lazy afternoons laying in bed in each others arms, him running his hand through my hair and whispering "I love you."

And so we get to the title of this post....

Is it wrong that I still think of him? Is it wrong that I miss the good times? And most importantly, is it wrong that when I'm depressed my mind wants to live in the past when I have a wonderful man in my life now?

Adam is my current love. About 3 months or so ago I met him, and he's wonderful. He is so different from the last two, which makes me think this one might stick. He is amazing with my son(Seth is the biological father, and he's another story for another time), so laid-back and worry-free. He treats me very well, boosts my self-esteem on a regular basis, is a Gemini like me, is the first man I've dated that doesn't wear glasses and he is right-handed, also a first.

But when I get like this I start to feel even worse because I'm not sure if I'm doing something wrong by dwelling on the past when I have such a wonderful present and a very bright-looking future.

I love what my life is right now. I'm a single mother living with my parents, sure, but I'm a single mother of a beautiful, healthy, happy boy. I'm only working part-time, but I'm working at a place that I love(another first!). And in couple weeks I'm starting school, getting some career training so that next summer when I finish I will be able to get a great job that will pay enough to get my son and I our own place, and support the two of us while I go back to school to do what I really want, photography and psychology.

So my life right now is looking up, despite my hardships in the past.

So why can't I be happy all the time? Why can't I stop thinking about the past when I'm depressed, sometimes missing it and other times just brooding on it?

And is it wrong?

For the most part I'm happy with my life. I don't get like this as often as I used to. Then again, who has the time to be depressed when you have a little one to take care of?

I don't know, these are just random thoughts that are pouring out of my mind as I type.

But I do feel better now that I've gotten them out.

And one last thing....

Mike,

I miss you
I hate you
and I couldn't care less about you all at the same time.

Goodnight bittersweet memories.